Comments on: The Bathroom, part 3

By: Tom

Tom — Thu, 13 Sep 2007 15:52:39 +0000

I’m definitely in the grips of this story. It reads quickly and leaves me wanting more. Just the kind of story I like It may be too late to make the deadline, but a fire truck could be a memory from the daughter’s point of view, a flashback, something like that. It must be tough to try to write a serial when we keep throwing these random photos at y’all. Good job though.

By: johnRibar

johnRibar — Tue, 11 Sep 2007 09:56:45 +0000

This is a really good continuation.

The part that confused me is that the father was more interested in hearing the story than in looking for his daughter, but when the old man told the story, he didn’t really say anything.

Other than that, keep up the good work. I have a good idea how the firetruck could be melded in, but I want to see if that’s your plan

By: Skought

Skought — Mon, 10 Sep 2007 14:32:00 +0000

“Cephas has a use for little girls, and no compassion” gave me chills.

By: DanielleM

DanielleM — Mon, 10 Sep 2007 05:42:04 +0000

You definitely leave us wanting more… I especially enjoy the descriptions — the scarred doorframe with its ring of light, the wizard’s dancing hair despite the lack of wind.

There was one detail in the story that seemed a little contradictory. At first, Yehuda tells the main character “…Hurry, I will open the doorway, you will find her- you will bring her back here and begone, as I begged you from the start.” It made me think that the narrator’s task would be simple. But then Yehuda goes on to describe a much more complicated scenario for rescuing Daphne. Which of course is what the reader wants to hear, as that is the meat of the story, but that original statement was a bit confusing because of what came after so it interrupted the flow a little.

I do hope to see Daphne’s side of the story at some point if the picture prompts work out to make it happen!

By: James Warrenfeltz

James Warrenfeltz — Sun, 09 Sep 2007 00:01:29 +0000

The working in of the picture this week was rather weak- sorry :/ It’s there, but only as a short line – not really fitting the spirit of 52stories’s challenge.

I’m not sure if the firetruck is going to figure in The Bathroom – I might break a while until inspiration strikes for a picture for that story- I have an outline of the world beyond the door worked out in my head, and I don’t think firetrucks figure into it- though maybe inspiration will strike before the week is out.

Though another idea might tempt me more at this point – I can feel something else simmering when I see that picture.

By: drew

drew — Sat, 08 Sep 2007 20:52:07 +0000

The plot thickens…

Good story. It’s getting better with each entry. A couple of comments:

1. Where’s the water? The mountains? How does the picture fit into this episode?

2. It would be cool if we could get a few “chapters” or entries from the little girl’s point of view. Then you could play the tension of a father looking for his lost daughter against the terror or cleverness of a little girl lost or captured by a horrible monster (Is she terrified? Is she resourceful and trying to escape? Has she even met the Cephas yet? Maybe she meets an ally of her own in the world she’s in; some kind of enchanted fantasy creature or someone who could gain the trust of a child.). It would make the reading more interesting, too. Kind of like two sub-plots going at the same time.

This reminds me a lot of the fantasy novels I read when I was younger. It’s got loads of potential and is off to a good start.

I’m dying to see how you work a firetruck into the story, if you continue…