Comments on: The Dubious Kindness of Strangers http://www.52stories.net/issue-108/101/ Every picture tells a story. What's yours? Fri, 04 Jul 2008 02:34:06 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.3 By: James Warrenfeltz http://www.52stories.net/issue-108/101/#comment-142 James Warrenfeltz Sat, 01 Sep 2007 16:39:39 +0000 http://www.52stories.net/issue-108/101/#comment-142 Clever details in this story - you can tell when Jill takes his money clip, and you get the flavor of life in a small town in Italy filtered through the eyes of a man who seems to be a generally happy sort. I liked it. A few bits seemed off the naturalistic tone- when he eats the orange, the line is "He tasted the sun" or something similar - this little cliche took me out of the scene- different description might work better. The dialogue is good, though the attempts to tell the reader how the speaker inflects the lines is a bit heavy-handed- particularly the line where you say; Do you know him?” She placed a mocking emphasis on the word “do”, and looked at him expectantly. This requires the reader to go back and reread the last sentence, breaking the flow. The suggested inflection makes the line work better than a neutral reading of it, but I'm not sure how you can communicate that without jarring the reader. Overall, I enjoyed the story. Clever details in this story - you can tell when Jill takes his money clip, and you get the flavor of life in a small town in Italy filtered through the eyes of a man who seems to be a generally happy sort. I liked it.

A few bits seemed off the naturalistic tone- when he eats the orange, the line is “He tasted the sun” or something similar - this little cliche took me out of the scene- different description might work better.

The dialogue is good, though the attempts to tell the reader how the speaker inflects the lines is a bit heavy-handed- particularly the line where you say;

Do you know him?” She placed a mocking emphasis on the word “do”, and looked at him expectantly.

This requires the reader to go back and reread the last sentence, breaking the flow. The suggested inflection makes the line work better than a neutral reading of it, but I’m not sure how you can communicate that without jarring the reader.

Overall, I enjoyed the story.

]]> By: John Ribar http://www.52stories.net/issue-108/101/#comment-131 John Ribar Tue, 28 Aug 2007 17:56:23 +0000 http://www.52stories.net/issue-108/101/#comment-131 I liked this story. I think the story moved along well, I liked the interactions between the people. I'd suggest a little cutting in the final draft, perhaps, as there are some things you say in two ways when only one is needed. For instance, you probably don't need to say specifically that he needs a morning paper when he is already going to a newsstand. It's the "show" vs. "tell" thing. The way you showed it was wonderful, so the telling seems extra. Keep it up -- glad to see you here with us! I liked this story. I think the story moved along well, I liked the interactions between the people. I’d suggest a little cutting in the final draft, perhaps, as there are some things you say in two ways when only one is needed. For instance, you probably don’t need to say specifically that he needs a morning paper when he is already going to a newsstand. It’s the “show” vs. “tell” thing. The way you showed it was wonderful, so the telling seems extra. Keep it up — glad to see you here with us!

]]> By: Skought http://www.52stories.net/issue-108/101/#comment-122 Skought Mon, 27 Aug 2007 15:37:05 +0000 http://www.52stories.net/issue-108/101/#comment-122 This is an interesting piece to me, in that I learn about this location, and life there. Once the story gets going, as far as something actually happening, well, not much happens. My favorite line is easily “her huge smile made her seem like the biggest presence in the room”. Keep at it. This is an interesting piece to me, in that I learn about this location, and life there. Once the story gets going, as far as something actually happening, well, not much happens. My favorite line is easily “her huge smile made her seem like the biggest presence in the room”. Keep at it.

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